Agile - A popular software development methodology that tries to solves the problem of misaligned expectations between the developer and the customer by pretending they don’t exist.
Amazon Web Services - A cloud computing service, which labels relatively simple products with complicated-sounding names, as an enticement for developers to pad their resumes. A sane developer would never affix “file storage” to his areas of expertise, but once the file storage has been renamed to “S3”, suddenly the boast is worth publishing in a professional context.
Big data - When Excel crashes.
Bitcoin - A digital currency, hailed as the deathknell to fiat currency, primarily used to facilitate ransomware payments.
Bizdev - Job title for a position in web application sales. Generally preferred by someone who is too proud to be called a salesman and yet is not shrewd enough to get paid like one.
Cloud, as in computing - Another name for someone else’s computer.
Data Lake - The cloud’s version of My Documents.
Data science - Statistics and linear algebra concealed behind a veil of marketing and ignorance.
Devops - A portmanteau of Development and Operations. In other words, the combined practice of writing software and publishing it. Devops has recently gained momentum, in large part because it enables developers to evade accountability through the elimination of all non-developers from the software publishing process.
Docker - An abstraction for Linux system administration and networking. Allows entry-level developers to apply for six-figure devops salaries by publishing a Dockerfile to Github.
Early Access - A version of Kickstarter for Steam, designed to redirect profits for non-refundable video game preorders from the former to the latter.
Facebook - A clearing house, where people go to exchange privacy for attention.
Firewall - A device you install on your network to prevent software from functioning.
Git - A tool that allows a developer to obscure software defects by publishing them in such large volumes as to quickly overwhelm the sensory faculties of any critics. See Predator Confusion Effect.
GitHub - Synonymous with Git, for most developers.
Go - A programming language, released by Google, that has gained most of its popularity by making developers feel like they are working for Google.
Hour of Code - An effort to encourage small children to write software, using the web page equivalent of a pop up book.
Initial Coin Offering - A highly lucrative and repeatable exercise, during which a startup company directly inflates the money supply of all cryptocurrencies. The profits gained are directly correlated to the consequent devaluation of all other existing cryptocurriencies.
Internet of Things - A consumer trend, the tech equivalent of a homeowner removing furniture and appliances from his home, placing them along the sidewalk, assigning street addresses to each, submitting the addresses to a public directory, then expressing genuine surprise to find that his property has been vandalized and/or stolen.
Jenkins - A web application which basically wraps the linux shell in a web GUI. It’s the WordPress of DevOps. Like WordPress, Jenkins advertises a wide extensive functionality through a large plugins library. Also like WordPress, Jenkins will break at the next update if you actually start using any of those plugins. Once the dev industry gets fed up, Jenkins will most likely be replaced by the DevOps equivalent of Jekyll.
Machine Learning - The brute forcing of relatively simple data insights using graphics cards; an industry-wide attempt to compensate for a loss of mathematic understanding with PC gaming hardware.
Malware - Any abusive software not released by a Fortune 500 company.
Meddling (as in Meddling in US Elections) - A rallying cry uniting the public against Big Tech.
Microdosing - The habitual consumption of powerful and illicit narcotics, in quantities small enough as is required to persuade the user, now under the influence of narcotics, that he will not become addicted to the drugs he is habitually consuming.
Net Neutrality - A rallying cry uniting the public for Big Tech.
Node.js - A platform used by project managers in an attempt to reduce programmer salaries by leveraging a workforce specially trained in a language designed to defer development costs from today to tomorrow.
Serverless - The discarding of a generation’s worth of technology intended to standardize web applications in favor of locking yourself into a vendor with an unproven, proprietary service from Amazon (Lambda), Microsoft (Azure Functions) or Google (Serverless).
Windows - An operating system which dedicates the majority of system resources to running anti-virus software.